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Relational Generosity Part III: Loving Well

Speaking the Language

Intimacy is lacking in life. Almost everything operates at a fast but shallow level. ‘How do you do?’ has never meant ‘tell me how you are doing’. Dr Gary Chapman in his best-selling Book The Five Love Languages, recounts how he has seen many relationships turn around from the brink collapse, by learning how to love well. Counsellor Danny Silk says that we are still a long way off giving relationships the attention they deserve. Many people he comes across think it’s fine to spend time studying ‘Bass-Fishing Weekly’ or taking French classes, but who believe it’s strange to study loving their spouse well. And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high and marriage is at low?

Dr Chapman found that people feel and demonstrate love in different ways. He came across couples who for 20 years or more hadn’t experienced love in their marriages because they weren’t communicating it in a way their spouse could understand it. Some were washing dishes to express love when their spouse needed quality conversation, and some were giving words of affirmation when what their partner needed was a hug to feel loved.

The Five Languages of love that Chapman discovered are:

• Acts of Service
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Touch
• Words of Affirmation

Finding out which language our nearest and dearest understand and therefore appreciate, will radically change their life experience, and yours. Dr Chapman conducted experiments where only one member of a couple was willing to discover and demonstrate the love language of their spouse. Within months with only one-sided effort the marriages were turned around. So love really does make all the difference. It just takes the time and effort to discover what ‘makes them tick’ and then to act upon it.

Computers, clocks and lots of love 

My much younger brother is slightly isolated by his age and interests, but I’ve discovered that his love language is quality time in the form of quality conversation. The only trouble is, is that his topic of choice is very technical computer coding and computer 3D animation talk. I know he is a genius and will tell him so, but he won’t feel loved if I don’t spend time with him engaging with his life of coding. I wasn’t naturally that interested in computer code, but I am interested in him and so I needed to be interested in it.

At first it was hard work. I always had something I would rather be doing or somewhere else I could be. But I wanted my brother to experience the love I have for him. So I made quality time about computer coding happen. Instead of him having to ask me to take a look at what he was doing, I decided to ask him if I could see it. I then asked him questions and actually listened to the answers. The satisfaction of connecting with my brother and spending time with him and his world, has even helped with the computer talk. I give him more time to explain stuff so that now I understand what it is he is actually doing and I can appreciate what he is achieving. I’m even getting excited by it!!!

It’s a good deal all around. And by the way, I have a genius and a great friend as a brother. I am rich indeed.

So lets become students of loving well and give ourselves relationally. All we have to do now is work out what language to speak…

 

 

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