• Home
• » Relational Generosity IIII: forGIVEness

Relational Generosity IIII: forGIVEness

Never having to say that you’re sorry?

When I was a teen I watched the old movie ‘Love Story’ in which there is a classic line: ‘love means never having to say you are sorry’. And it’s true. Perfect love does mean that. Love is meant to be a source of life and protection, not pain. But, I found out pretty quickly that in the relationships of love that I had, I needed to say I was sorry a whole bunch and a whole bunch of people that loved me needed to say sorry too.

With ‘give’ at the centre of forgiveness, it’s no surprise to discover that there is something generous about forgiving. Forgiveness feels like going beyond what is due, and it is. An ‘eye for an eye’ was always fair, it just resulted in a lot of hurt eyes. Forgiveness is radically generous because is gives what is not deserved.

There is punishment in the feelings of guilt an offender feels, but there is also a fear of punishment associated with having done something wrong. Not of prison or physical punishment, but of lost relationship and public exposure for what they’ve done. Perfect love gives no space to fear. Holding someone hostage in a state of fear of you is not loving. Forgiveness gives freedom to the offender, by pardoning them of what they have done and releasing them from fear. ‘Forgive’ comes from the words ‘completely’ ‘give up’, which means completely give up your rights to hold resentment and punish. Forgiveness restores them.

A famous eastern guru once came upon a group wanting to stone a person to death for a crime. The group asked the guru if they were right to do this and he replied "The perfect one among you, go first: Throw the stone." On hearing his answer they started leaving one at a time, starting with the oldest.

Love yourself enough to forgive

The challenge really arises when the person who has hurt us either is unaware or unremorseful about what they have done. The urge to punish them with unforgiveness is so tempting. Forgiveness is one of life’s greatest challenges. But here is the secret: the biggest benefactor of your forgiveness is not the person that hurt you, but you. Whilst it is wildly generous to forgive, we would be wildly crazy not to.

Bitterness is poison. When you forgive you give that person freedom, but you also break your own connection to pain, hurt and anger. You set yourself free, as well as them. More often than not, the person that hurts us either didn’t even realise or doesn’t feel the extent to which they have caused pain. By holding onto the pain and anger we feel like we are punishing them – but really the only one getting punished is us – and that hardly seems fair.

Research shows that unforgiveness results in physical illness and threatens physical and mental health. But forgiveness, like all generosity, results in increased health and happiness. Carl Thoresen, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Stanford University, has found that people who replace anger with forgiveness will have better cardiovascular health and fewer long-term health problems. They have found in extensive clinical studies that forgiveness dramatically changes an ‘individual's biological homeostatic equilibrium’ (National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke). So if you want to have a happy ‘biological homeostatic equilibrium’ you’re going to need to add forgiveness to your pro-biotics and trips to the gym!

…And sometimes, the person we really need to forgive the most is ourselves. After all, though it’s easy to judge others, it’s also easy to judge ourselves, and that’s equally dangerous. Shame is crippling and bitterness at ourselves, harms us.

Love is what we need

Love is amazing because it ‘keeps no record of wrong’. This implies that even though we aim not to hurt or do wrong in a loving relationship – that it still happens. But love itself has the answer: it keeps no record. What would happen if nations and tribes and families and gangs and bosses and collegues, and spouses and siblings and friends and enemies kept no record of wrongs? In the words of Reinhold Niebuhr:

Further resourses on forgiveness:
www.forgiving.org
‘Absolute Forgiveness’ RT Kendel

Back